Tuesday, August 30, 2016

Today one year ago

was the last time I 'met' Willy. I still remember how smitten he was each time upon seeing me, and vice versa. I feel so loved :( he'd be like "why are you so sweet? why are you so lovely? why are you so cute?" and he'd still be doing that albeit my hideous dermatitis!!! I thought, so was just jesting around teasing me, but later I know he really told me the truth (of what he feels), while I've known him for 6 years, he's not the type that go jest around, eventhough he do lies sometimes. He told me this:

"I've never really loved someone before. You are the first person I've ever truly loved. I jerked around with girls before, lots of times, but initially it was not love, eventhough by times I grew care of them but what I feel now is totally different. I've never felt like this before."

I don't know if he's lying or not. though I hope not
all I know is that Willy is the type that "can't be far away for too long" when he really loves someone. and it happened to me.  Everyday, without fail, he'd message me "I miss you, can we meet today? please?"
to which I often reject (starting July) because I felt hideous and was too afraid to meet him (my dermatitis started to flare up again badly in July 2015). *We used to meet so very often though!* He replied "ok :( but I miss you, I'll meet you in game" yea we were playing IRo together.

When we finally met, after a month of being alone with my dermatitis... I felt muddled inside and was extremely afraid that's Willy's going to hate me and then ditch me because I've turned out hideous! But to my surprise, he acted perfectly normal, and told me that it's not as severe as he'd imagined. And ended it with the usualy "you are so pretty!" I still felt ugly though :( I fret. And here's what he told me

"you are underestimating my love! it's not a grimcrack love, I don't care about superficial beauty, it doesn't matter as long as it's you. And you're definitely not hideous, the allergy will fade away but my love won't."

I really had to cry and I sob in his bosom. That time, (july-august)  Willy got sty on his eye. We both look hideous and after I got my sense back we both laughed at ourselves. "Ugly couple!" No lah Willy still look handsome even with sty, I love him no matter what! :) I still remember I put on sterilized gause to cover his eye so that he won't catch any dust on his way home.

Back to today, one year ago.

There's something creepy happened.
It's all start in IRo. I WAS BEING A TOTAL DUMBSHIT, scolded him one time but in a hard way, that's painful enough for him to say

 "that's crazy! I won't be looking for you again ever this time!" 

then he logged off

DUMB DUMB DUMB DUMB ME! Ikr I'm the meaniest person in the world and deserved to be put in hellish abyss.

Anyhow, that time, I brimmed with anger over his sentence because he'd said "I won't be looking for you again" one time too many! Yes we did fight and it's me who cut the relationship, like 2-3 times if I recall. And everytime I did that, he'd replied with the casual "I won't be looking for you again." and then, before 24 hours even passed, he'd call me, message me, came over to my house, weeping in sadness:

"please don't leave me I beg you, I can't live without you and I better just go die, please just don't I just can't can't can't live without you. IF IT'S NOT YOU I CAN'T! I've never BEGGED anyone before to stay with me but this time I'll put my pride down and I'll BEG. I beg you to stay with me, please! I tried but I can't get you off my mind, it really has to be you and I don't want anyone else."

something to that sense, and he litterally cried.
*this was the story of months before 30 august 2015. To which I remembered, and got so angry because it was hard on my part to cut our relationship. I meant it's not easy c'mon I need to prepare my heart and deep inside it was so excruciating!

Don't get us wrong though, we fought often, but most of times we get along fab and I truly truly love him. I cut him up back then BECAUSE I LOVE HIM. Not because I've stopped loving him! I know I am a broken glass inside and he, who tried to fix me, got lacerated big times. And I don't want him to get hurt, but what I did was so wrong... I hurt him even more!

This story from months ago brimmed me in anger.

I called him and asked him to come over to my house. I was so angry that I hollered to him in a high pitched voice. Weirdly, he agreed to come. And so I wait.

Nah. then this happened

As I wait, I felt that my anger gradually subsided and poof! like it was never there! Like, "what the hell got me so angry with him??? Am I crazy or what?" And suddenly, an overwhelming burst of love kicked in. This is the usual me, but this time it's kind of different, it's much more abundant.

I waited for him anxiously...

There he came, in his shabby white shirt, riding a blue megapro.

I hurled at him and cried my heart out.
I said sorry profusely. I cried I cried and I cried
Willy looked totally bewildered and said, "What happened??!!!" then he tagged me inside.

In a waiting room, while he sit on sofa, I kneeled before him, still crying, I said:

"this time, I'll put my pride down, I will BEG you that you will stay with me, forever, never leave me, and promise me that you will  really stay beside me. I've never begged anyone to stay with me before, that time when you begged me to stay, I stayed. This time I'll ask you to return the favor to me. I really am sorry, I'm so sorry, I've hurted you with my foul mouth. I'll try to be a better person for you. I'll fix myself. But I NEED you to stay because it just has to be you. I've never loved anyone as much as I've loved you. Please forgive me! Please stay with me! Never to leave me! promise me!"

I sobbed a lot while saying it and I really cried my heart out. The world is going to end without Willy I know that I don't have anyone else other than him, and no one has ever cared for me just as much as Willy did.

Willy, seemed shocked and totally dumbfounded. He smiled... and responded.

"eh why... all this? I should be the one who said sorry for saying such things. of course I will never leave you! I can't love anyone else other than you, you know that... I've said that so many times. I know I'm going to look for you again tomorrow, that's why I knew why you got so vexed just now. I'm sorry"
Me: "you forgive me?" *sob
Willy: "of course"
Me: "thanks... and promise that you will stay with me forever?"
Willy: "yes I promise I'll never ever leave you. You know how much I've missed you each day!"

Then we hug each other, I was so happy that we managed to sort things out.

Willy looked so happy and told me jokingly, "I thought I was going to get beat up real bad, you sounded so angry at phone!"
Me: "Wah crazy why would I??? I'd never ever punch someone I love! Even if I get annoyed big times I'd never punch you!"

Then we headed out to "Asia Bagoes" our favorite restaurant for a dinner.
We were so happy.

I remember I had no helmet on, sitting right behind Willy on his motorbike. I hugged him and rested my head on his back. Never to feel more peaceful.

Me: "it's nice to not wear helmet yea?"
Willy: "why?"
Me: "so I can rest my head on you"
Willy: "waah cheating, I want too!"

That's one of the happiest day in my life.
But that's also the last day I 'met' him. The last of which I saw him in person, had a chat with irl, and be together.

I still remember how he contorted his face and pout to me in a joking manner when he went off home. He waved at me and I waved him back, smiling.

I have a bunch of story of what had happened the next day, it's so excruciating. I think I'll write it in a separate entry.

I've been crying a lot lately. No one consoles me. I hope Willy is here with me now :( I miss you Wil...

Thursday, August 18, 2016

I just can't

I really can't. I do try and am still trying, you know? I've always been trying! But it's just impossible. It's not like I'd forget you. You are the sole permanent resident in my heart!!! I can assure you that. Peoples often told me to get over you and just, accept, some other persona. BUT I JUST CAN'T! Why? Because I DON'T WANT! And you know me right? you know that I won't do things that I don't want.

I've been doing stuff, you know, call it sleazy stuff or whatever, but I was just messing around. I CAN'T BE IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE ELSE! I tainted myself upon trying but the thoughts of being together with you is perennial. It stays forever and I know I could never wash away all my thoughts of you. This very second, I still love you just as much as I've always loved you, and it will never change. I'm willing to even sacrifice my life and even my soul for you. If God could ever swap between the life and the dead, I'll concur hastily!

I don't care if I'd never ever get married, like I could? How am I able to love someone else when I'm still head over heels in love with you? I might as well be alone for the rest of my life. What's the difference? I've been alone for so long already. 10 years or so won't make any big difference will it? God, of course it is, 10 years without you! I could never imagine that. How am I supposed to live this life now? Please tell me!? This excruciating pain is killing me.

I've cried so much I thought I'm gonna die.
I tried, you know, but I can't do it alone.
For someone like me, you are my everything.
And because you are my everything, I'm nothing without you.

No one would ever love you just as much as I love you
No one would ever love me just as much as you love me

The day when we'll meet again would be the happiest moment of my 'life'
and I really look forward to it